He's always been faithful to me...

Music with beautiful words always has the ability to stir up emotion and passion in me. On Sunday we sang the song "He's always been faithful". Even now as I sit here typing, singing the song in my head it brings tears to my eyes. I look at my life and see God's grace everywhere. Though I make foolish decisions, though I am selfish, when I had no understanding of God's character and therefore no understanding of what pleased God; He pursues me. He has protected me, guided me, and loved me with an everlasting love. Daily I forget the God I serve. I make Him into a pebble when He is the Rock. So easy is it to rely on self, and forget what God has done and continues to do in our lives.

God, I cry out to you! I praise You and all Your beauty. I weep with regret for what I have not done well, and weep for joy in the blood that has covered it. I praise you for Your goodness. You are truly good in all ways. You are my one true desire! My only survival.

though i feel in want, i need not
though i strive for happiness, i have joy
though i long for comfort, i have peace
i have all in You
i desire what only You can give

i have searched for love, and found pain
i have tried to succeed, but lacked gain
my best is worth rags
a sentence to death, yet i have life
i have all in You

my search for the temporal, for the perfect fruit
how my heart so easily fixes on one
but You have provided many
You provide the garden, despite my futile efforts
and i realize again
i have all in You

Lord bind me to thee
let Your proven love resonate in my mind and my heart
may it compel me to trust You more tomorrow
than i have today
may my heart's song always be
i have all in You

1 Peter 3:13-17

How gently and gracefully You draw me. How I am deeply moved by Your love for me. It is so easy for me to tell someone I love them. It is wonderful to believe someone loves me. But no one can express perfect sacraficial love, but You. All of my desires You hold in Your hands. By love songs I could be moved to tears for longing, now I smile knowing You fulfill all love songs! You are greater than any human emotion. You satisfy more than a desire fulfilled! You are the lover of my soul. My contentment comes from serving You, because I know it never goes unnoticed, and I desire to hear You say, "Well done". I take comfort in Your plan as a baby takes comfort in his mother's arms... I know I am safe here.

"Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good?But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil." ~ 1 peter 3:13-17

Too many worries...

Lord there are so many thoughts, worries, and fears that are in my head right now. So many things that I am trying to plan or foresee. So many thoughts that are keeping my thoughts from you. I am not sure how to push them to the side so I may have a heart that only longs for you. As I dwell on your word tonight, may my heart be at peace within me. May I no longer look to what the future holds as my comfort, but let me forever find my comfort in you. I praise you, for you plan my footsteps, so I have no need to worry or fear.

Psalm 57

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.

*I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills His purpose for me.*

He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me. selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

My soul is in the midst of lions;
I lie downamid fiery beasts-
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

They set a net for my steps;
my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
but they have fallen into it themselves.
Selah

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!

Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!

I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.

For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

If I could just sit with you awhile

When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

When I know I’ve sinned when I should have been
Crying out my God and hidden in you
Lord I need you now, more than I know how
So I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

Lord, I will trust you

"Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams,
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine,
I now submit to Your design "

- Aaron Shust

Yesterday was the day. Court was in the morning and everyone went as scheduled. The first part of the day was not too bad because I was in, what I like to call, "task oriented" mode. I was the thinking about the legistics of everything. Then the afternoon came, then the evening, then night. Anyone who has ever had anything tragic happen ( or at least seemingly tragic) knows that the later it gets in the day, the more reality begins to settle in. I was with multiple people last night, yet I still felt alone.

The lyrics above are my theme song for this stage of life that God is allowing me to walk through. It is very easy to have the radio on and sing along to a song like this. But it takes on a whole new meaning when the thing(s) you hold dear are stripped away and you have to make the decision to place all that you love and hope for on the altar for God.

Lord I will trust you with my life
though my heart is broken
I will trust you
Through tears and through pain
I will trust you
Though I know not what tomorrow holds
I will trust you
Through this, and all things grow in me a spirit of contentment
Where ever You call me to be, I will trust you

O Lord I cry out to you. In my time of need I run to you for refuge. Only in you do I find peace. How often I neglect you, turn from you, to lean on my own strength until I fall with no place to lay. My God reach down and comfort your child as I am in great need. My heart is in constant pain, my eyes continually fill with tears. Help me father. Let me know I am not alone, you have not forsaken your daughter in her darkest hour. Bring me peace to my soul; lift the burden from my inner being. I know you will not make me carry more than I can hold, but I am no longer able to bare the weight of this; I cast myself on thee. May your glory and strength shine in my weakness. May those who see me, see only you. Humble thy servant to take comfort at thy feet.

"Come you saints lift up your heads
To find the hand of grace
Has carried you from Satan’s grasp
And brought you to this place
Where all designs of flesh will fail
And still His grace remains
For purposing His own good will
The Lord has come to save

Come you saints to hear the voice
That sings from Calvary
The song that drew our wayward hearts
And brought us to believe
It’s grace the glorious Savior’s song
He paid so dear to sing
The words He cries “forgive, forgive”
Hold power to redeem

When the days of toil end
And comes our glorious King
All sin removed, our eyes behold
The Lamb in majesty
Then great will be their Christian song
The loudest there will be
An endless praise in sweet refrain
Of God’s redeeming grace

Overwhelming, overwhelming grace
Overwhelming, overwhelming grace "

God is Grace

Today, I am just so in awe of God. I am amazed by His continual mercy and grace in my life. Recently I have begun to understand that God's grace is without conditions. So easily do I fall into the mindset, when God blesses me, that because I have leaned on God and have not strayed during a time of great trial that that is why God is showing me grace. Apparently I am a little slow. Grace by definition is something undeserved. So the fact that I even think that my "good" behavior contributes at all is ridiculous. In Exodus 33:19 God says " I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious...". Grace is in the very essence of God. One of my favorite quotes is " God does not look outside of his own will for an impulse to move his grace." I always knew that I did not have the ability to manipulate God with my actions, but somehow I still always thought that when I was NOT trying to manipulate God, my actions of humility (typed with sarcasm) would put me into God's favor. How earth shattering to know that God's grace is not inspired by my "good" behavior, nor constrained by my failures and wretchedness. Grace is just who God is. And that is something I am extremely grateful for!

Home Sick

So I didn't want to post anything until I had something profound to write... oh well. I figured I would be waiting a long time and may never actually get this thing started. Now I have paused for a few moments, watching the curser blink at me. The things that are passing through my mind are thoughts I am not sure I want to share. Maybe because puting them out there might actually make them real. For those who do not know from either knowing me or from reading things I have placed on facebook lately, this past year has been pretty rough. I fight through okay, and for the most part seem to be able to pull off seeming calm and collective. I am not. I probably am just more afraid of actually sharing my feelings with people than anything else. My husband and I have been separated now for nine months. Our divorce will be final on thursday, may 8th. My heart breaks over this. That word stares at me and says "failure" . I never thought this would be my marriage. From the time I was little I thought that I would keep my marriage together. Now I have learned it is not solely relying on one person. My life has and is changing dramatically right now. Although I am stumbling through this time barely able to make it day to day, the Lord is gracious to point me back to His mercy and kindness. My greatest need is met. And although my life looks nothing like I thought it would, I have faith that it will be better than I could imagine. Lately, I feel alone. I know I am not. I have wonderful friends and the two most beautiful children I could ever ask for. I am also very excited for the future. For the friendships I will be able to build. For the new adventures I will have. This world is full of trials and pain. But before now I had never understood the phrase " looking forward to going home" as it relates to heaven. I do now. It is this feeling of home sick, like when you are a child and away from your parents. But it is much stronger. Until the day I can behold the face of my creator and join in to say " holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God almighty ; who was, and is, and is to come " ; I will continue to seek His will on earth. There is no other place I am so at peace, than when I know I am seeking Him.