Too many worries...

Lord there are so many thoughts, worries, and fears that are in my head right now. So many things that I am trying to plan or foresee. So many thoughts that are keeping my thoughts from you. I am not sure how to push them to the side so I may have a heart that only longs for you. As I dwell on your word tonight, may my heart be at peace within me. May I no longer look to what the future holds as my comfort, but let me forever find my comfort in you. I praise you, for you plan my footsteps, so I have no need to worry or fear.

Psalm 57

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.

*I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills His purpose for me.*

He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me. selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

My soul is in the midst of lions;
I lie downamid fiery beasts-
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

They set a net for my steps;
my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
but they have fallen into it themselves.
Selah

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!

Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!

I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.

For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

If I could just sit with you awhile

When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

When I know I’ve sinned when I should have been
Crying out my God and hidden in you
Lord I need you now, more than I know how
So I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

Lord, I will trust you

"Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams,
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine,
I now submit to Your design "

- Aaron Shust

Yesterday was the day. Court was in the morning and everyone went as scheduled. The first part of the day was not too bad because I was in, what I like to call, "task oriented" mode. I was the thinking about the legistics of everything. Then the afternoon came, then the evening, then night. Anyone who has ever had anything tragic happen ( or at least seemingly tragic) knows that the later it gets in the day, the more reality begins to settle in. I was with multiple people last night, yet I still felt alone.

The lyrics above are my theme song for this stage of life that God is allowing me to walk through. It is very easy to have the radio on and sing along to a song like this. But it takes on a whole new meaning when the thing(s) you hold dear are stripped away and you have to make the decision to place all that you love and hope for on the altar for God.

Lord I will trust you with my life
though my heart is broken
I will trust you
Through tears and through pain
I will trust you
Though I know not what tomorrow holds
I will trust you
Through this, and all things grow in me a spirit of contentment
Where ever You call me to be, I will trust you

O Lord I cry out to you. In my time of need I run to you for refuge. Only in you do I find peace. How often I neglect you, turn from you, to lean on my own strength until I fall with no place to lay. My God reach down and comfort your child as I am in great need. My heart is in constant pain, my eyes continually fill with tears. Help me father. Let me know I am not alone, you have not forsaken your daughter in her darkest hour. Bring me peace to my soul; lift the burden from my inner being. I know you will not make me carry more than I can hold, but I am no longer able to bare the weight of this; I cast myself on thee. May your glory and strength shine in my weakness. May those who see me, see only you. Humble thy servant to take comfort at thy feet.

"Come you saints lift up your heads
To find the hand of grace
Has carried you from Satan’s grasp
And brought you to this place
Where all designs of flesh will fail
And still His grace remains
For purposing His own good will
The Lord has come to save

Come you saints to hear the voice
That sings from Calvary
The song that drew our wayward hearts
And brought us to believe
It’s grace the glorious Savior’s song
He paid so dear to sing
The words He cries “forgive, forgive”
Hold power to redeem

When the days of toil end
And comes our glorious King
All sin removed, our eyes behold
The Lamb in majesty
Then great will be their Christian song
The loudest there will be
An endless praise in sweet refrain
Of God’s redeeming grace

Overwhelming, overwhelming grace
Overwhelming, overwhelming grace "

God is Grace

Today, I am just so in awe of God. I am amazed by His continual mercy and grace in my life. Recently I have begun to understand that God's grace is without conditions. So easily do I fall into the mindset, when God blesses me, that because I have leaned on God and have not strayed during a time of great trial that that is why God is showing me grace. Apparently I am a little slow. Grace by definition is something undeserved. So the fact that I even think that my "good" behavior contributes at all is ridiculous. In Exodus 33:19 God says " I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious...". Grace is in the very essence of God. One of my favorite quotes is " God does not look outside of his own will for an impulse to move his grace." I always knew that I did not have the ability to manipulate God with my actions, but somehow I still always thought that when I was NOT trying to manipulate God, my actions of humility (typed with sarcasm) would put me into God's favor. How earth shattering to know that God's grace is not inspired by my "good" behavior, nor constrained by my failures and wretchedness. Grace is just who God is. And that is something I am extremely grateful for!