Home Sick

So I didn't want to post anything until I had something profound to write... oh well. I figured I would be waiting a long time and may never actually get this thing started. Now I have paused for a few moments, watching the curser blink at me. The things that are passing through my mind are thoughts I am not sure I want to share. Maybe because puting them out there might actually make them real. For those who do not know from either knowing me or from reading things I have placed on facebook lately, this past year has been pretty rough. I fight through okay, and for the most part seem to be able to pull off seeming calm and collective. I am not. I probably am just more afraid of actually sharing my feelings with people than anything else. My husband and I have been separated now for nine months. Our divorce will be final on thursday, may 8th. My heart breaks over this. That word stares at me and says "failure" . I never thought this would be my marriage. From the time I was little I thought that I would keep my marriage together. Now I have learned it is not solely relying on one person. My life has and is changing dramatically right now. Although I am stumbling through this time barely able to make it day to day, the Lord is gracious to point me back to His mercy and kindness. My greatest need is met. And although my life looks nothing like I thought it would, I have faith that it will be better than I could imagine. Lately, I feel alone. I know I am not. I have wonderful friends and the two most beautiful children I could ever ask for. I am also very excited for the future. For the friendships I will be able to build. For the new adventures I will have. This world is full of trials and pain. But before now I had never understood the phrase " looking forward to going home" as it relates to heaven. I do now. It is this feeling of home sick, like when you are a child and away from your parents. But it is much stronger. Until the day I can behold the face of my creator and join in to say " holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God almighty ; who was, and is, and is to come " ; I will continue to seek His will on earth. There is no other place I am so at peace, than when I know I am seeking Him.